Our Marriage Is Great, But Our Love Has Gone Quiet

Annie Lane
Tue, 24 Mar 2026 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear Annie: I have been married for 22 years to a good man. He is faithful, hardworking and, by most people's standards, a wonderful husband. He has never given me any reason to doubt his loyalty, and he has always taken his responsibilities seriously. From the outside, we look like a solid, dependable couple. We raised our children together, built a home, paid the bills and showed up for the holidays, the school concerts and all the ordinary moments that make up a life.

But somewhere along the way, I seem to have disappeared.

My husband still remembers to ask if the car needs gas or whether I called the plumber. He will mention the grocery list or remind me about a family birthday. But he does not ask how I am doing. He does not notice when I am quiet, when I am hurt or when I have clearly gone out of my way to make an effort. I recently got my hair cut and styled differently, and he said nothing. Last month, I spent an entire weekend repainting our bedroom and changing things around, hoping maybe he would notice and say it looked nice. He walked in, set down his keys and asked what was for dinner.
Updated: Wed Mar 25, 2026

Dear Annie: I have been married for 22 years to a good man. He is faithful, hardworking and, by most people's standards, a wonderful husband. He has never given me any reason to doubt his loyalty, and he has always taken his responsibilities seriously. From the outside, we look like a solid, dependable couple. We raised our children together, built a home, paid the bills and showed up for the holidays, the school concerts and all the ordinary moments that make up a life.

But somewhere along the way, I seem to have disappeared.

My husband still remembers to ask if the car needs gas or whether I called the plumber. He will mention the grocery list or remind me about a family birthday. But he does not ask how I am doing. He does not notice when I am quiet, when I am hurt or when I have clearly gone out of my way to make an effort. I recently got my hair cut and styled differently, and he said nothing. Last month, I spent an entire weekend repainting our bedroom and changing things around, hoping maybe he would notice and say it looked nice. He walked in, set down his keys and asked what was for dinner.

It is not that I need constant praise or some movie version of romance. I am not asking for roses on the doorstep or love poems tucked into my purse. I would just like to feel visible again. I want to feel like more than the person who keeps the house running, manages the calendar, remembers everyone's preferences and quietly fills in all the gaps. I miss being looked at with warmth. I miss being asked questions that are not logistical. I miss feeling like a woman, not just a role.

When I try to talk to him about this, he looks confused and says, "You know I love you." I believe that he does. But love can grow awfully quiet over the years, and sometimes quiet starts to feel an awful lot like absence.

Am I expecting too much after all this time, or is it possible to feel deeply lonely while sitting right beside your spouse every night on the couch? — Still Here

Dear Still Here: You are not asking for too much. You are asking to be noticed by the person who promised to share a life with you. That is not high maintenance. That is marriage.

Many spouses mistake steady love for finished work. They think because the house is still standing, they no longer have to tend the fire. But even the best marriages can go emotionally stale when one person starts feeling more like staff than a sweetheart.

Tell your husband plainly and calmly that this is not about flowers or fanfare. It is about connection. He may not realize how absent he has become, but now is the time to realize it. A good man can still be a clueless one.

You are not invisible. But it is time to stop fading quietly into the wallpaper and ask him to look up.