Feeling Lost in the Pew

Annie Lane
Fri, 03 Apr 2026 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear Annie: My question is: Can I still keep going to my church or is it time to cut ties? This is complicated because my husband was a pastor and I appreciated him greatly as a preacher. He took early retirement, but we stayed in the same town because I had a good job and we needed my income and insurance until I could retire.

Unfortunately, my husband — who was 15 years older than me — began developing dementia. We'd planned to move to the university town in our state where I attended college, and where three of our five children also graduated. One son and his family live there; a world-class medical center and an international airport are also nearby. There was a same-denomination church in town with a wonderful husband/wife team of pastors, and we were happy there. These were all good reasons to move.

My husband could still sing in the choir and attend church with understanding, and I believe that contact with people helped slow the progression of his dementia. Then the pandemic hit, and we watched church online for about a year and a half. After several falls, my husband moved into memory care, contracted COVID-19 and died three and a half years ago.
Updated: Sat Apr 04, 2026

Dear Annie: My question is: Can I still keep going to my church or is it time to cut ties? This is complicated because my husband was a pastor and I appreciated him greatly as a preacher. He took early retirement, but we stayed in the same town because I had a good job and we needed my income and insurance until I could retire.

Unfortunately, my husband — who was 15 years older than me — began developing dementia. We'd planned to move to the university town in our state where I attended college, and where three of our five children also graduated. One son and his family live there; a world-class medical center and an international airport are also nearby. There was a same-denomination church in town with a wonderful husband/wife team of pastors, and we were happy there. These were all good reasons to move.

My husband could still sing in the choir and attend church with understanding, and I believe that contact with people helped slow the progression of his dementia. Then the pandemic hit, and we watched church online for about a year and a half. After several falls, my husband moved into memory care, contracted COVID-19 and died three and a half years ago.

Soon after his death, the church reopened and the pastors retired — a huge loss for many of us, but especially me because we knew each other well.

An interim pastor followed and, frankly, was kind of a disaster. He was eventually asked to leave for a number of reasons, which was a relief. In our denomination, a church hires an interim but also forms a search committee to find a new pastor.

It has now been almost two years since the previous pastors retired, and I'm having such a hard time with the snail's pace of the search. (For perspective, it's ordinarily between a year and 18 months for the search to conclude.) Some of the changes the interim pastor introduced remain, and I still struggle to accept them because I associate them with that difficult time.

Our church is "open to all, closed to none," and members can add preferred pronouns to their name tags if they wish. In case it sounds like I'm unable to accept LGTBQ+ people, I'm not. My granddaughter is married to a woman; I was supportive and attended the wedding. I have a close relative who is nonbinary whom I support and love always. Far more difficult are the issues I mentioned above.

The truth is that I just don't want to go to church anymore, and that makes me feel guilty — because of my husband, my faith and my belief that you should show up in case others might need you. At the same time, I feel like one of the old ladies in the church that just can't get with it and can't keep in step.

This is a long letter, I know, but I've kept it as short as I can, leaving out many details but including what I think is needed for you to consider my question. — Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Dear Should I Stay or Should I Go: A lot has changed for you in the last few years — your husband's illness, the isolation of the pandemic, then his death and the loss of the pastors who once made church feel like home. It's no wonder you feel disconnected.

Faith and a church building are not the same thing. Your faith can remain strong even if the place that once nourished it no longer does. Staying with the same church out of guilt is unlikely to bring you the peace you're looking for.

Give yourself permission to explore. Visit other churches in your denomination to see if there's a better fit, or simply take some time to reflect on what kind of community would support you best in this season of life. You're not betraying your husband's legacy or abandoning your beliefs by seeking a place where you feel truly spiritually at peace.